Posts Tagged ‘election’
Silly Season
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
Okay, it’s primary time again and that means it’s silly season. On the off chance that there might be someone actually worthy of my vote, this year I read my local county “Official Voters Pamphlet” – from cover to cover. The following are some excerpts from actual candidates’ statements. The names of the candidates have been changed. Other than that, it’s all verbatim.
Trust me, I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Dr. Ali the Muslim – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Statement: Though life long democrat, I am running now on Centrist party losing my faith in both democratic and republican parties establishment as they are subservient to special interest groups particularly AIPAC. As Palestinian American, an expert in matters related to Muslim world, with eighty percent of President Obama’s speech to Muslim world in Cairo and Turkish Parliament came from my two letters to him. In January 26th I was summoned to Washington DC in live debate to ninety million Arab audiences for 50 minutes through Al Jazeera that Obama was no different from Bush. My participation was tremendous.
Lunatic Jones – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Education: Lunatic Jones earned two university degrees (bachelor followed by master) with important minors in economics. Nonsmoking, nondrinking, prosperous, healthy Lunatic (Minnesota born) is a life-long student of knowledge, such as economics, individual liberty, ownership, repairing, rejuvenation, space colonization…
Statement: Dear fellow sheeple, you are the flim-flammed, manipulated powerbase. It is your destiny to start the orbital space colonization of your solar system. You should already have more than 200 habitats orbiting your Earth, Moon, Sun, and Mars. But you don’t! Why? Because your wasteful leaders have not studied orbital space colonization.
As a student of economics, I, Lunatic, also want you to raise your wealth by increasing profits and incentives that create jobs for everyone willing to work. We are working way beneath our production-possibility curve!
To help unsabotage your economy and to increase employment for people with problems, please abolish your beloved, but evil minimum wage. If you google lunatic, you’ll find me and talented people who claim to be me: Lunatic Jones.
Daryl the Dishwasher – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Elected Experience: 1988-Present I have run for 17 candidacies.
Other Professional Experience: Dishwasher for 31 years.
Statement: The last four years, 2006-2010, has been an economic roller-coaster disaster for many of us, here and elsewhere. During this time, business people submitted, or produced “fuzzy” mathematical numbers as ‘bait’ to the average consumer. For many of us, the lure seemed ‘too good to be true”. Re-finance your house. Go on (many) vacations. Buy a new car. Get a hair transplant, or fake ‘boobs’.
At first it seemed everyone had a job. A couple ‘blinks of the eye’, and it all vanished for many people. Their jobs too!
“…universities pay coaches in the millions of dollars per year, to fill stadium venues. They hand-out free scholarships to millions of student-atheletes per year, while their main fans on Wall Street continue to vacation at Disney World & White Sulfur Springs (WV). Or, as a custom, they cordially offer their season ticket seats to their business partners, as if it was all by design.
George Imertal – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Elected Experience: None.
Statement: My name is George Imertal, and I am running for U.S. Senate. It’s no accident that our nation is having so many problems at this time. God is trying to get our attention and if He doesn’t get it soon, our nation’s woes can get a lot worse. God has the answer for all our problems, but first He wants to correct our attitude as a nation. His desire is to bless our nation to the point of making the rest of the world envies of the blessings He is bestowing on us… We need leaders that hear God’s voice and will follow His direction to set our nation on His course and find His blessings for us.
Hank Eastwood – Candidate for U.S.Senate.
Professional Experience: Farmer. Owner of an excavation company. Former professional football player. Played in three Super Bowls and won two championships.
Statement: I’ve lived the American Dream. Where else can a son of a potato farmer rise to play in the stardom of three Super Bowls? I want all kids to have a shot to become champions in their own ways as I’ve had. We need to follow our founders’ “game plan” of limited government and fiscal restraint. Sara Palin and many Grassroots liberty groups endorse me because they know I will work shoulder-to-shoulder with “We the people” to get our country back on the right course. I would be humbled to have your vote.
Leo Shlack – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Community Service: Supervisor and leader, at sea, ashore, and abroad, of young men and women of every race, background, and orientation in the greatest Navy in the World.
Statement: Citizens, Lovers of Liberty, Washingtonians:
America is in deep pain. “Help me. I am lost and confused. I fear for my children.” She says. We can embrace America. We can wipe away her tears. We can help her and we can help us. Citizens of Washington, we have a duty – to do one good thing! Today and tomorrow. Lead America ahead on the proven ground, straight and steady.
We will walk side by side with America. When we are weary, when we can walk no more, our children will continue our journey. It is the right journey and it will take us to a good place.
Thomas Hewitt Volich – Candidate for U.S. Senate.
Elected Experience: No information submitted
Professional experience: Caregiver & defender of our Republic.
Community Service: National Rifle Association-life member, the Gun Owners of America-life member, the Washington gun collectors, the National Association of Letter Carriers, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.
Statement:
I am pro-life, pro-liberty, pro-audacity, pro-Sara Palin, and John Gault, Pro-charter schools and home schools. I am against cap and trade, against Obama Care, and against the new-world-order.
Okay, true confession time: I freely admit I cherry-picked these quotes to set each candidate out in a less than generous light.
But the point here is: I didn’t add anything. I didn’t have to.
The words you see here are actual quotes from the voter’s pamphlet written down by real people running for one of the highest offices in the land. And they read like they could have been written by the authors of The Onion.
Silly season. Don’t you just love it?
